


The Start of The End

by FettsJetts



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Guilt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-15 22:49:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11815791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FettsJetts/pseuds/FettsJetts
Summary: After releasing Saren from his indoctrination, Shepard finally has a vulnerable moment. Saren aids her in her frustration.





	The Start of The End

Everything weighed heavily on Shepard's shoulders. She'd lost Kaidan on Virmire, despite being able to stop Saren and pull him from the depths of his indoctrination. She wished she hadn't lost him. He'd been a good soldier, and a greater friend. On top of all of it, she'd stolen an Alliance vessel, and a galactic prisoner guilty of treason. She needed Saren for his knowledge of Sovereign's plans and Ilos. He could help them, and he would do so willingly. In the short week between Virmire and their very quick and illegal departure from the Citadel, he'd integrated well in her crew, and in such a short time. The absence of all the embedded synthetics helped. That's what caused the indoctrinations, Liara and Chakwas had discovered, which made sense, seeing as it was a gigantic synthetic race trying to destroy them. But it surprised Shepard nonetheless, if she was honest. He'd been known to be harshly anti-human, and Shepard had seen first hand. Nihlus had told her how much disdain Saren had harboured towards their relationship. He'd been so comfortable with Shepard. They'd spent days in the cargo bay, looking at weapons, modifying and repairing armor, and just talking. Their conversations revolved a large amount around their military experiences. It seemed to be one of the significant similarities they shared. They were soldiers, and Shepard figured thats why he flocked to her company.

"Shepard?" She'd missed the hiss of her cabin door opening, and the sound of Saren's voice scared her. She jumped, her datapad clattering loudly to the floor. "Apologies," he says, still standing in the open door, looking far too formal. He'd stopped calling her Commander after a day or two, when he realized that he could be anything other than strictly formal with her. Shepard wasn't like that with her crew, even if Saren wasn't technically a part of it. She was equal mentally with everyone on her ship. Shepard collects herself as well as her datapad and turns in her chair to look back at him. She smiles. "If you're busy, I can come back later..." She didn't want him to leave, and it takes all her willpower to not answer too quickly. His voice soothed her, though she'd never admit it to anyone except perhaps Garrus. Nihlus would rumble and talk softly to calm her, especially after Akuze, and Saren had a similar effect.

"No, you're just fine." She flashes a soft grin. "As long as you don't mind my undress. I wasn't expecting visitors." She was out of fatigues, and in a tank top and shorts. It was her usual workout clothes, when she wasn't on a ship full of subordinates. She moves, stashing her datapad away on her desk. Saren comes into the room fully, leaning against the wall opposite of her, hands folding in front of him. "What can I help you with?"

"Nothing particular. Everyone's a little apprehensive about Ilos. Its understandable, being a large unknown." His eyes scan her as she rubs her forehead nodding. "Is everything alright, Commander?"

"This... Its everything. I should be worried about the fact that I will be court marshaled and dishonorably discharged for stealing a Alliance ship and releasing a "galactic criminal" on the galaxy. But instead... I just lost a good man on Virmire, and what if we can't beat Sovereign?" Shepard shakes her head, looking at him with worried eyes. "What if..." She stand suddenly, running a hand aggressively through her hair. "What if we lose this, Saren?" He steps forward, looking as if he planned on comforting her, to touch her.

"I don't know you as well as the others, Commander, but that doesn't mean sound like you. The fledgling, Vakarian, he respects you greatly, maybe even so much that you can do no wrong in his eyes. He spoke to me saying you were never afraid. Was he misguided?" Silver met green and Shepard pauses for a long moment. "Are you afraid, Shepard?"

"More than I have ever been." Her voice wavers. "I wish I could forget it, just for a little while. How do you go into an impossible situation with this much fear, and succeed?" Saren looks at her for a moment before take a full step closer.

"Shepard..." Saren rumbles, almost as if he's thinking and mulling over his thoughts. "On Turian frigates, before very stressful missions, it is not uncommon for crew members to... fraternize to relieve said stress." He says it slowly, giving her time to receive and process the statement.

"You're suggesting..." Shepard swallows harshly. "With me?" She was, again, aware of his intense hatred for humans due to the death of his brother. He was on a human ship, which was one this, but this was a completely different matter entirely, and Shepard almost couldn't believe he was suggesting such a thing. She wasn't opposed, in the slightest, but she didn't expect it all. Maybe from Garrus, but definitely not from Saren Arterius. He takes a step closer, their bodies almost touching. She has to look up at him now, as he towers almost two feet taller than her. His cold stare makes chills run up her spine, and she tries hard to suppress it.

"Shepard, I respect you, and I do hope you at least have a bit of respect for me. For us to participate in intercourse, I don't believe it would do any harm." He grumbles the offending word, as if he were embarrassed by it.

"I respect you, Saren." She says as her consent, nodding her head. His silver eyes run over her body, taking her in fully. He wasn't looking at her as a soldier or a Commander or even a Spectre anymore. He was looking at her as a woman. She'd separated the two long ago, when she started making hard decisions. It was something Nihlus had told her a long time ago, something Saren had told him years earlier. If you don't separate the Commander from the woman, you'll end up losing the woman. Her decisions couldn't affect who she was. As the Commander, as the Spectre, she made hard and terrible decisions. But as a person, as a woman, she couldn't let those affect her. Although she struggled with it sometimes.

Saren pushes her back, the back of her thighs hitting the desk. His hands rest gently, like ghosts, on her hips, and she inhales sharply.

"Relax, Shepard." Saren croons softly, and theres a quick pang of guilt in her chest when he does. Nihlus used to whisper to her like that. Her quilt is quickly pushes away when his mouth plates are against her lips. His talons trace down her tank top, threatening to slice it open, and he does just that. Its quick and she feels the ghost of his talons on her skin as the fabric falls away. He's so close to her that the only thing that kep her nipples from rubbing against his armor was the thick padding of her armor. Her quick fingers skillfully pop the seals on his armor, gently tossing it aside. His hands slide under her ass, lifting her onto the desk. He settles between her legs, pushing against her. Her breath hitches in her throat and her thighs tighten around his waist.

"Why can't you wear fatigues on the ship like Garrus?" Shepard grumbles, fumbling over the remaining armor pieces. She briefly remembers telling Nihlus the same way, and she reprimands herself. Saren wasn't Nihlus, and he deserved the same individuality. Nihlus was gone, but Saren was here, and she cared for him, and he cared for her. Saren chuckles at her comment, helping her shed the rest of his armor. Soon, he's bare before her, all hard plates, and sharp angles. She admires him, fingers gently skimming over him, probing stray scars and old wounds. She lingers when she gets to his mandibles, and rubbing the underside of them, finding the almost velvet texture. Saren purrs quietly. They sit like this for what seems like hours, her thighs resting between his hip spurs, breathing and soft subvocals she can't understand in the air. Saren finally moves, his fingers deftly tugging the snaps of her bra open. Her breasts are released, and she barely contains her sigh. They rest against his rough carapace, creating friction she almost can't stand. His talons are splayed across her skin, feeling the dip of her collarbone, skimming across her chest. One of his hands turns, cupping a breast. His thumbs sweeps across her nipple, causing to inhale so sharply and quickly she almost chokes. He laughs at her reaction, but she feels the slight shift in Sarens groin plates between her thighs.

"Spirits, Shepard." He grunts when she grinds her hips against him. The hand on her hip balls into a fist, gripping her shorts and underwear. He gives a very firm pull and they are added to the pile on the floor. Saren pulls her closer, her breasts almost painfully squishing against his chest. "You're not going to make this any less torturous, are you?"

"Oh, you wish you had Commander Shepard willingly submitting to you, don't you?" She smirks, and he mutters something about the Spirits again. Her kisses her, and the trails his mouth plates down her neck. Its a strange texture, and it makes her hiss when his teeth lock on her collarbone. He wouldn't bite down, wouldn't claim her as NIhlus had. He must have noticed Nihlus' bond mark. Her suspicion is confirmed when Saren's thumb rubs gently across the scared indentation of teeth on her hip.

"I'm so sorry." Saren whispers against her skin, and she can hear the sadness in his voice, the anguish in his subvocals. Nihlus hadn't just been her bond mate, he'd been Saren's best friend and protege. Nihlus had trained under Saren for the Spectres. Saren was the little piece of Nihlus that Shepard had left, and she the same to Saren.

"Hey..." She pushes her shoulder up to make him sit up, just a little. She gently takes his face in her hands, and makes him look in her eyes. "That wasn't you. You can't blame yourself and I will not let you. If you knew Nihlus at all, you'd know he wouldn't blame you either. Sovereign controlled you, made you." She tries to keep the tears welling in her eyes at bay. "I knew you before this, before Sovereign. You may not have liked me, but I respected you. Without you training Nihlus, I may not have met him." Saren tries to look away, but her hands are firm on his mandibles. "You cared about him just as much as I did, Saren, I know that first hand. What killed Nihlus was Sovereign, not Saren Arterius. Saren Arterius is the Spectre in front of me, here, full of conviction and his sense of duty." He nods slowly, and Shepard rubs the underside of his mandible a little more. She kisses him, not hungrily like their kisses had been, but with care and sincerity. "Be here with me, not in the past."

"Thank you, Shepard." Saren whispers, leaning into her hands. His thumb continues to rub circles on her bond mark, and Shepard thinks for a moment that it comforts him more than it does her. Maybe it did, it didn't matter to Shepard. Saren could come to her if he really needed to.

"Always, Saren. I'll be here." The atmosphere had mellowed significantly in the room, but they were still intertwined, still pressed together, Saren's plates were still open. Saren's hand that was on her hip moved to rest between her thighs, testing if she still wanted this, wanted him. She made a soft noise, rolling her hips forward, brushing his hand against her center. She gasped quietly when he slid a thick finger inside her. Her head drops, resting against his neck. Her arms clutch on to his cowl, pulling herself closer. "Please, Saren." He curled the finger upwards, causing her to croon. She makes a high sound in the back of her throat, pushing her hips closer. She's begging him for more, begging him to get closer than it was possible.

She whines when he retracts his finger but he shushed her gently, fluidly lining himself up at her entrance. He pushes in slowly, and Shepard clutches tightly to his cowl. He was much bigger than she remembered a turian being, and he stretched her in the best ways. "Spirits, Shepard..." He's barely past halfway insider her, and she's not sure he'll fit all the way. Humans were flexible, but not endlessly.

"Saren," Shepard whispers in a breathy voice, begging for more. "All of you, please. I need all of you." Her back arches towards him as he pushes in farther, hilting in her, base and all. "Fuck..." Shepard swears, an octave higher than usual. His pelvic plate rest against her skin, and they both pause, catching their breaths. Shepard squeezes her eyes closed, biting down on her lip hard enough to draw blood. She feels Saren lean down, but doesn't expect it when he rests his forehead against hers and rumbles quietly. Shepard moves up, wrapping her arm around the back of his neck, keeping their heads together. Saren begins to move his hips in small, partial thrusts, never pulling out any farther than above his base. Shepard groans in the back of her throat, but Saren silences any other noise by kissing her.

"Spirits." He thrusts a little harder, and the noise she makes encourages him to do it again. "Shepard, I-"

"Alex." She cuts him off. "My name. Its Alex when we're alone together. Please." She closes her eyes, burying her face in his cowl. Nihlus called her Alex when they were alone, and Shepard felt too formal. Her crew called her Shepard, the people on the Citadel called her Shepard. She couldn't be Shepard to her lovers. It made things feel impersonal, like calling Nihlus "Kryik" or Saren "Arterius". If they knew only one this about her, it would be her name.

"Alex." Saren rumbles, as if tasting it on his tongue. He says it again, adding a less than gentle thrust with it. Shepard groans, her short and blunt fingernails barely making purchase on his back plates. He chuckles as Shepard keeps her face burrowed into his neck, trying keep her noises silent. Her cabin may be on a separate floor, but that didn't mean her crew wouldn't hear her if she yelled a little too loud. 

"Saren... fuck, Saren, please..." She gripped onto him like her life depended on it, wrapping her legs around him as tight as possible. He seems to rumble again, holding in another laugh. He slides his hands beneath her ass, picking her up from the desk, supporting all her weight. Saren carries her, still buried deep within her, to her bed. Shepard makes a sound deep in her throat when he lays her down against the sheets. He sits up, looking down on her and gripping her hips. She can tell he's being careful not to puncture her skin.

"You are... beautiful, Alex. Like the stars above Palaven." He begins to thrusts in a fast but rhythmic pace, and Shepard is lost, nothing but soft whispers leaving her lips as he pounds into her. He hits something within her and she cries out, her hands reaching for any part of him she can reach. He offers his hands, and they intertwine tightly, Shepard holding tighter than him. 

"Saren..." Shepard croons, her chest heaving with heaving breaths. He drives his hips faster, her whole body moving against the bed, her breasts in a way that seem painful (yet Shepard does not seem to mind). She groans, the muscles in her abdomen flexing. There's hot tightening in her belly, and she grips onto him, calling his name. "I'm so... I'm so close. Oh, fuck, Saren, please!"

"Can you hold? For just a moment?" Saren whispers, and she nods. He feels her tighten her walls around him, as if holding on as long as possible. He gives several hard thrust, willing his own orgasm to come. Shepard whimpers again and its his undoing. "Now, Alex." She cries out his name when she comes, and he is silent when he spills inside her. They breathe for a little, staying connected. 

The room is silent besides the sounds of their breathing, and Shepard finally opens her eyes again, looking up at Saren. And she smiles. "On Earth, we have legends, myths of deities in ancient cultures. Like, Greece. There is Zeus, god of the Sky, and his brothers Poseidon and Hades, the ocean and Hell. Athena, goddess of battle, and wisdom." She laughs at Sarens confused features. "You remind me of one. Aries. God of War. Beautiful in all his faults, graceful in his craft."

"You are lucid, Shepard. Rest." He pulls from her, earning a small whimper, and lays beside her, pulling her against his chest. She settles into him, and is asleep several moments later. "However, if any, you are Athena." He whispers it to her, as to not wake her.

* * *

Shepard is alone when she wakes, and she stares at the ceiling, her mind suddenly far too busy. She thinks of Sovereign, what she must defeat, and how it might end. She thinks of Saren, and what will begin if she survives this. She'd need to protect him from the Council, something she'd give her life for if she needed to. And then she thinks of Nihlus. How she wished he was here, to guide her like he had before. She felt lost without him, and had since his death.

"Spirits guide me, please." She whispers, willing any tears to stay at bay.

 

 


End file.
